I lost the moon while counting the stars

I've been trying to write this post down for the last couple of hours and I still can't come up with anything that satisfies my feelings. But here I am, giving it a go for the nth time just because I don't know what else I can do to release this void that's starting to eat me alive from the inside.

The last couple of days have been a complete hell for me.

I'm not a person who's good at hiding my true feelings, so this will come off as a blunt confession. But I doubt anyone will ever read this blog anyway so I've got nothing to lose. I've spent the last one year trying to move on from my ex. Because despite everything, it seemed like I hadn't really been able to let go of my old memories with him. And it was strangling me, choking me to death until I became breathless. I'm a masochist. I like to hurt myself emotionally because I thought the pain will only make me stronger if I could get used to it. But I've been in pain for a year and still I'm not getting any better. So I cry, to release the pain, because it's too much to hold on. And there would be this guy who would wipe away all my tears without me asking, because he says he hates it to see me cry for some ungrateful boys.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

I believe in karma; of what goes around, comes around. What I don't know, is how we're all gonna get it. Because you don't see it coming, you just know when it finally does. And in my case, karma hit me right in the face. The guy had liked me back in the days during our first year. But not even once I turned my head on him, because I had no feelings for him, no matter how hard I tried to love him with all my might. The feelings were just... not there. And so I came across many boys but still he had his eyes fixated on me for all year long. But I just couldn't force myself.

Fast forward to now, we swap place. I'm slowly falling for him when he's falling for another girl. And this is karma at its best. Because I understand now how it feels to be him back then. To crave attention from the person you love who doesn't love you back, who instead, gives the attention to another person who doesn't need it. And it hurts, it hurts so bad. It hurts me even more because I know even the fact that he used to love me doesn't mean that he's going to love me again the second time after I ditched him in the past. But this feeling is real, and I'm not bluffing.

But tonight I realized, I lost my moon while I'm busy chasing the dimly lit stars.

He has always been my moon, he would light up my way when it gets dark, when it gets cold and I can't find a way out. He never changes a shade. He has always been like that, a bit bumpy in the outside and pale. Far, but close enough to watch over me. Beautiful in every shape of its phase. Caring and loving and has always been true to himself. He's not afraid to show that he's the moon.

What started off as a simple mission; he has to be happy, turns to be a lifetime promise that I want to keep him happy for as long as I can. To get him what he wants and what he needs. Even when I can't be a part of his happiness, because he no longer chooses me.

But that's okay.

Because afterall, I deserve this.

I just hope that one day he will find the right woman to help him shine even brighter that the universe would be jealous of.