You need to see yourself first

Nevada dress, Nike sneakers

I'm a very competitive person. I see everything as a competition for me. I'm easily driven and I don't take loss very well. That's why I hate playing games where the competition is too high and I know I'm not gonna win many, because I don't like to lose. On one side, I think it's a good metaphor because I always strive to be number one. But on the other side, it's giving me burden. Just like when my ex decided to leave me for some girl I know, I start comparing myself to her. Being a snob that I am, I point out that I'm still way better than her, in my very own perspective. But of course it doesn't matter because even when I do feel that way, my ex has left me for her. As I've told you before, I don't take loss very well. It should have ended right away, but it didn't. I started competing with her in many aspects. From the way we dress, the way we do our make-up, the way we post photos on Instagram, the way we speak and how we put our bio on our social media. I'm so burdened with this imaginary competition. Because it's tiring. You know that kind of feeling, don't you? I want to stop, to not caring at all even if I'm not doing any better than her because that's totally okay. But I'd feel so low if I let go of this winning in her hand. It shouldn't be a competition at all. I should not compete with another person for love.

On the good note, I have learned a lot of things from this 'competition'. If you're a long time reader of my blog, you must have noticed the difference between my old outfit posts with my recent ones. Yes, now I do make-up even when I only do it for blog purpose. I like to confide that part very much because that's the most visible change that happens to me. This competition should end whether I want it or not. Because it's not healthy, it's not giving me anything in return, and it doesn't prove anything. I still have a long way to go to be a better person than before.

Oh, and, the title is inspired by my ex's best friend's advice. I asked him once about what was I supposed to do during my break up, when he started dating another girl yet we still kissed in the back seat like lovers that we were. And he said I need to stop, to give the two of us a breather. Even when it sucks to be dumped, but I need to see myself first. I need to rest from this long war. I've been fighting alone and I need to take a break. I need to see myself first.

As I've told you in my previous outfit post, I start loving dresses because they bring out the girly side of me. To balance out everything, I put on my sneakers instead of my usual platform shoes because nothing can go wrong when you pair dresses and sneakers, they're like match made in heaven. I'll be going back to Jogja next week, hopefully in a way better mood because I'm so bored with the city now. I can't wait to graduate and leave Jogja, to find a new story I can be proud of in another city.

'Til then, have a pleasant day! xx