When it comes to choosing a partner aka boyfriend, I get very picky. Why, you ask? Of course, with physical appearance that's not so far above the average, and personality that isn't as bright as everyone else, it sounds like a joke when I get very picky. But believe it or not, maybe that's what I need. I need to be picky, because I know myself well. Because I know I'm hard to handle, and I'm still in the process of becoming better, so I can't be with just anyone. I'm afraid that if I let everyone in just like that, it will ruin the process. It will change me into someone with a personality that is worse than I already am. I'm not saying that I don't want to fall--in fact, I need to fall first to know the taste of rising back up. But I'm choosing carefully what kind of person I would fall for, to make sure I get the lesson I need.

It comes to my mind that it's totally okay to be picky. Especially when you have goals to reach, people to impress, or friends or family to take care of. Love can come second even when you're not looking for it. Which is why now I'm really content of being single. Unlike my ex who already has a new girlfriend in just a short time, I find being single as a breather for me. After a year of being attached to someone, I realized that I've lost so many things and I need to catch up real soon. That feeling when I apply my make-up so I'll look good when I go to classes, raising my sex appeal to make myself more attractive, be active by taking more jobs at events, hanging out with friends who are not in my circle, etc. After all, being single doesn't mean that I'm gonna be lonely. I would rather be single than be in a relationship where my partner can't even match my effort because he's too lazy to do that. I wasn't even asking him to go beyond me, but he couldn't do that.

It still haunts me every night when I'm alone and lost in my own thoughts. But each day passes, I learn to swim through it instead of drowning. And without I realize, I have taught myself how to be strong on my own. And God, it feels good, to finally wake up and not having to feel empty or sad. Sometimes I still miss the feeling of being loved, and maybe all this time, for the last three months of me trying to win him back, it wasn't him whom I missed. It was the feeling. I have found many new hearts in my time being single again and it sets my soul free knowing that I'm not attached to anyone. Relationships are messy and people get hurt. Now I wonder why would anyone be in a relationship?

Who else thought I wouldn't be able to watch movies in the cinema after the broke up, raise a hand! LOL just kidding. I used to watch all new movies that got released in the cinema with my ex. Even after the break up, we still managed to watch movie together. It was Kimi No Nawa, which I'll post about it too in the future, just wait! ;) Yesterday I went to Lokal for a quick meeting with my friends from the art group. And we didn't have anything to do afterwards for Saturday night. An idea popped up; karaoke. But when we went passed the cinema and saw Split's cover, we looked at each other and went inside the cinema to buy the tickets right away.

To be honest, the story plot doesn't give me goosebumps at all. Especially with just three girls being kidnapped and no clear background of who they are and what they do, or any reason of why he has to kidnap those girls. It's not explicitly explained throughout the movie so you will have to pay attention really close to how James McAvoy (Kevin, Dennis, Patricia, and his other alters) acts. Story isn't really amusing nor entertaining and it's not very thrilling to be so-called a thriller movie. It's a little weird to me even.

But what attracts me to this movie is the idea of a man who has 23 alter egos and how different each alter is and the way they 'communicate' in his head, all for the sake of protecting the body they live in. This movie teaches us that our brain takes more control than we expect it. Of course, unlike in the movie where you can be anything you want because you believe you are or you can, I translate it as something else. The power of believing is very strong. The movie describes it as a supernatural side of human. Like for example, Kevin (James McAvoy)'s one alter ego suffers diabetes, while the other alter egos don't. And the reason behind the disease is because the alter ego believes that he does suffer diabetes, and so he does. It teaches us that if we really want something, if we want to be something, we just have to believe that we can, that we're capable to reach our purpose if we believe on our own ability. That's why, it's quite an eye-opening movie if you set aside the horrible plot and of course, The Beast, haha.

Overall, 2/10 for the plot. But, I like the idea. I'd give it 8/10 for the alter egos.

This is going to be my nth attempt on writing full from the heart about what's currently happening in my life right now. As I said in my previous post, I want to get back to writing again. I know I keep saying that the moment I broke up with my boyfriend, I lost my muse, and that I have to find a new muse to write again. I change my mind. I have always been my own muse. I write for myself and I write because writing makes me feel at home. Losing someone from my life shouldn't be a problem at all because what's meant for me will always find a way back. So here I am, writing again. This time, for myself.

After the break up, I felt like I was on a journey to find myself back. That sounds weird ass f but it's the truth. I didn't know what I want, and I thought he was all I need. He wasn't. Three months I tried to win him back, and it always ended up with nothingness. Until I grew sick of his little game and last week I decided to drop everything and move on. I always knew him and I would clash. Even from the beginning, we were so unexpected. None of our friends had expected us to be together. Because how could we??? We're fire and water and even though there are things that we share as something in common, we're still worlds apart. And like fire and water that we are, one of us always dominates the other. In this case, me. And really, I can take it if he broke up with me because I was too much for him and that he couldn't handle me. I thought that's all there is to our break up. But then a week afterwards, all of my friends, and literally everyone started telling me the truth of what was actually happening. He was seeing other girl even before the break up. Which tore me into pieces because how could he? Was I too much or was I not good enough? For the last three months, he kept pulling on my heart string, and I would ask him over time why would he do that. The answer is always the same; "Because I still want to see you happy". Which sounds like the stupidest joke ever because he knows exactly that if he does all those things, he'll get my hopes high and I won't be able to move on. And it makes me realize that, Eri is not the kind of guy who would do something for other people purely just to make them happy. No, he's not that guy. I was gonna give him an ultimatum, either he gets closer or stay away. Because having him in between is very exhausting. And I don't deserve being treated as a spare, let alone as a second choice. I deserve someone who will always choose me as I choose him back. And if he doesn't want to be that guy, then I'm wasting my time fighting for someone who can't even get his shit together.

So now I'm 'deleting' him from my life. And honestly, I've never felt so great before. It's the best feeling ever the moment I remove toxic people from my life and get on with it. I decided to remove our chat so I can't go back re-reading the chat history, and I also unfollow him on most of my social media. I start falling for other people again, and since I'm not attached to anyone, I can invest as much feelings as I want without having to worry about labels and commitment because right now, I want to have fun. Everyone says they miss my cheerfulness. So I'm bringing back that side of me again because I miss her too, I take more jobs, get involved with more events and activities, build more connection with people outside my circle, pay more attention in class, and... laugh more religiously. I barely think about him even in my busiest and loneliest hours and that's a good sign! I don't have the urge to constantly wanting to know what he's up to like how I used to because I'm too overwhelmed with life ahead of me.

I'm so excited with everything. It's always good to start a new beginning, like a newborn baby who knows nothing about the world. Because happiness is a choice. And whatever you are going through right now, I hope you always choose happiness.

I'm so glad to be able to write something up again after so many months. Heart break is not easy, but I've found my closure and I'm glad losing him isn't really a big loss for me afterall. Well, actually, he lost me. And I hope it's gonna ache him years from now, when I'm already with this new person who realizes my worth and takes care of me in ways he wishes he could have done all those time ago. So, see you guys on the next post! xx